Personal Wellness: Emotions of Divorce For A Man
- Why is a divorce painful to go through
- The Psychology of divorce
- Making the most of my new beginning
- Best thing to do when going through a divorce
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Although going through divorce offers no joy for anyone, the emotions of a divorce for a man hit little different.
Please women that are reading this or discussing around the water-cooler, this is not intended to slight what a woman goes through.
As a man, I can speak to other men about my opinion based on what I felt and went through during my relationship from beginning to divorce.<
But by all means, continue reading and chime in on the discussion.
I recently divorced after seventeen (17) years. My experience before, during, and after the divorce gave me a lot to think about.
Personal Wellness: Why Is A Divorce Painful To Go Through?
We can summarize that a divorce is painful for any number of reasons. Infidelity, domestic abuse, mental abuse, or more.
Whatever the reason, our emotions are still tied to a sacred commitment.
No one gets married just to get a divorce after feeling you wasting a portion of their life.
Where is that love, those feelings, and that passion when we first met?
Did it just disappear into the wind?
The pain of a divorce that we feel existed for me because I took too much for granted.
I cannot bash my ex-wife because she is not here to defend herself.
Remember, there are three sides to a story: his, hers, and then the truth.
In many instances, our emotions are tied to the convenience of the arrangement; the stability of the commitment; or the promise of love ever after.
Unfortunately, I initially felt that I had gone through my divorce for 15 out of the 17 years.
I will get more into that later.
According to Andra Brosh, “When two people get married they are vowing to be committed and to love one another, but they are also pledging to become “attached.””
It is that attachment that holds the most weight when facing a divorce.
Having an appendage removed can be a painful ordeal to endure, contrary of the circumstances.
Nonetheless, the musical group Boys II Men said it best -“It’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday.” and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.
At my age, I did not get married after 40 to go back on the market – I wanted happy ever after.
I guess that was asking too much because here I am, divorced. Ironically, the decree was sign the very same day as the marriage, exactly 17 years to the day.
The Psychology of Divorce
A divorce is a process of closure, mentally as well as physically.
Yes, you pay lawyers, hash out demands, and get a piece of paper for your troubles.
What does that do to the mental?
We walk around with our heads up, chest out, and claiming that we are alright.
Lies! Being a man means we cannot show any signs of weakness.
No one can ever know about that deep burning inside or the self-doubt that is eating at your mind.
In an article, Jason Crowley at Survive Divorce identified 6 stage of divorce in “The 6 Psychological and Emotional Stages of Divorce”.
They were listed as:
- Stage 1: Disillusionment and Blaming
- Stage 2: Dissatisfaction, Anger & Resentment
- Stage 3: Deciding to Divorce
- Stage 4: Acting on Your Decision (Initiating the Divorce Process)
- Stage 5: Acceptance
- Stage 6: New Beginnings (The New You)
Honestly reflecting could lead one to feel that this is exactly how you feel about what you are going through.
Disillusionment and blaming sounds like the fight started and has become progressively worse over time.
I feel that I was slap in the chest with that ton of bricks five (5) years into the marriage.
Means things drastically changed and never recovered.
Although I was committed to hanging in there, I cannot deny my misery.
I became the victim of all three phases of menopause, or so I thought.
Nothing changed after those phases ended.
In stepped dissatisfaction, anger, and resentment to further cause a divide in the house.
“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” C. Joybell C.
Verbal abuse, lack of companionship as punishment, and ‘out of the blue’ arguments became the norm.
Do not get me wrong, there were many great times during the marriage.
However, it was not enough for the marriage to survive.
As far as deciding to divorce, I was just told, “I want you gone in sixty (60) days.”
‘Kool’ was all I said and walked off.
I began packing boxes, loading garbage bags, and I was gone in thirty (30).
Nothing additional needed, I was in acceptance at that very point.
Moving back to my mom’s house was the last thing I ever thought I would have to do, again.
However, I was all in intros marriage and did not have any hidden agenda.
I was fully invested into it, but I guess I was the only one.
Acceptance and my new beginning are discussed in the next section.
Making The Most of A New Beginning
Gone for about 3 weeks, my mind tumbling and racing to remember what signs did I miss that lead me to this point in time.
Considering the turn of events, I felt it was coming.
However, I was not willing to fight to keep this fruitless relationship.
I had several business ventures in the works, but nothing major.
I was so broken during the last 2 or 3 years of the marriage that I could think straight and my meds did not help.
Nonetheless, within a month of leaving, I started writing a Blog at Wealthy Affiliate.
I chose to write about Personal Wellness and the eight (8) aspects within it.
I became committed to taking this journey and perhaps have others, going through the same, join in on the ride.
All of my creativity started coming back after joining this program.
No pressure to cater to a spouse, I became hungry for success again.
I have very little experience as a blogging content creator, but I have some of the best teachers and an awesome support community.
Consequently, I am determined to fix me, fix what I believe is wrong with me.
It may debatable, I am capable of retaining my psyche or finding someone who can.
Professional help is not out of the question for me.
My pride has already been wounded; therefore, I am not too embarrassed to ask for help.
Best Things To Do When Going Through A Divorce
In layman’s terms, there are no set ground rules for going through a divorce.
Although a foundation exists, the actual steps to recover are based off of speculation.
Many factors compromise how an individual bounces back from the brink.
Looking over into than abyss tends to cause one to panic.
Filled with doubt, uncertainty, and fear, one can only imagine a better life.
We have to create a step-by-step plan to achieve some semblance of happiness.
Yes, peace will eventually come.
Faster for some and slower for others.
As an individual, we are uniquely driven within our own path.
The foundation is the same across the board though.
Consider the following:
- Acknowledge your situation and emotions
- Occupy your mind work, business, write a blog, or write a book (an action with viewable results)
- Surround yourself with positive people
- Find reason to be out of the house (hobby, sports, fitness, etc)
“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.” Rupi Kaur
Recovering from an emotional situation is not unlike recovering from a surgery or other injury.
The emotional state has to heal just like a physical wound.
As opposed to applying medical drugs, you can sooth your mental wounds with time, searching for happiness, and peace.
Going through a divorce is far more painful than most will admit.
Why? Perhaps, I am afraid of being laughed at.
Most men do not want to seen as vulnerable.
They believe that it is a sign of weakness to display emotions.
Sorry, but I am in touch with my sensitive side and feel no shame.
If I spend my life afraid of what others might say, I am at their mercy.
Not looking for it, not going to live less wholesome without it.
Getting a divorce is going to hurt to some degree.
Once you accept that, then you can begin to heal.
As we go through the various phases or steps of a divorce, we can crawl or we can walk.
I choose to walk with my chest out.
Not arrogance, confidence!
I am confident that this is not the end to my story.
Determine which stage you are in and start to heal from that point.
New mantra — Acknowledge, Accept, and Advance (AAA)!
And I close out by saying, we need what we need!
If we keep our minds right, we can keep our bodies tight!
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To your success and growth,
Founder of Good Time To Shine
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